How to find the courage to tell the truth

Being honest is not easy. It is also not something that we have been encouraged to do, as we have been conditioned to care more about fitting in and not hurting other people’s feelings. Our Ego wants to protect our identity and stay in the comfort zone. Honesty is often met with resistance and backlash from other people, especially if they are not ready to hear our truth. But being authentic is the only way to stay committed to yourself. If we went through life walking on eggshells and constantly worrying about offending others, then we give our power away to them.

Take a read on How to find the courage to tell the truth or listen to the first of the series here (Click Here)

Communication learned in our childhood

As with anything that makes us feel uneasy, the first place to look to for more insights is where it all began – our childhood.

How did parents communicate with you and with each other? Did your parents allow you to express how you feel? If you did express emotion, especially negative emotion, did they overreact? Did they suppress their own voices? We first learn how to communicate at a young age with our parents and our caregivers, and we carry them into our adult life.

Why do we have to justify who we are to someone else? Perhaps we’ve had to do this in our childhood. If we communicated our truth and that truth was met with resistance, and we were made to feel bad for ‘throwing a tantrum’, we felt unsafe to express ourselves as children. We won’t be able to so as adults. The first step to understanding your inability to speak the truth and have difficult conversations is to look at how you were empowered (or not) to do so at home.

It all comes out when we are angry

People tend to speak with honesty through hurt and pain. This is why when people get triggered and get angry, they are finally able to express how they feel. They let it all out. But that’s not a healthy way to express one’s emotions. It’s also not the right way to be heard. The authenticity and the underlying needs that the person is trying to communicate get lost in the could of anger and conflict. The other person will likely be on the defence and won’t be able to hear you out.

So how do we find a way to say how we feel without making other person feel attacked or angry?

People get defensive when they feel under attack. If you know that to be true, then how can you make them feel safe, while you are expressing your truth? It’s not always about what you say, it is how you say it. Lean into the person, open up your body, make yourself more inviting, and if appropriate, touch their hand or shoulder.

Validate the person. Show that you understand their perspective.

Then ask them if they can see the situation from a different perspective: in this case – yours. State your needs without attacking. Clearly communicate what needs of yours have not been met or what boundaries have been violated. Unfortunately, we don’t always have the language to communicate this way. It has never been taught to us. Many of us live to tiptoe around others in order to keep ourselves safe. How many people do you know who are truly honest, and are able to express themselves, regardless of how it may be received by the other person?

Not taking things personally

Internal struggles show up in our reality through difficult people or situations in order to be healed. When someone feels attacked, and we take it personally, this indicates a lack of confidence and lack of sense of self. Those who stand in their truth and speak in their truth are not concerned with the other person’s reaction.

It’s not our responsibility to take on other people’s trauma. This is where we need to find separation. You can say the same thing to five different people and they will have a different reaction based on their trauma. Everyone makes choices based on their own trauma, and their unhealed aspect of self.

What is your internal dialogue when it comes to expressing your truth? How hard are you on yourself for your own thoughts? What do you stand for? If you aren’t sure about what you are trying to communicate, then somewhere deep inside you don’t fully believe it. In silence and meditation, you can get connected to what is true to you. Once you get there, you won’t waver and won’t feel uncertain about the message you need to communicate.

Everything is true

At the end of the day, everyone’s perspective is correct. People’s feelings are valid from their point of view and their own trauma. With this in mind, be the wiser one. See the bigger picture. If they aren’t ready to hear what you have to say, that’s ok. They are unable to see that you are not attacking them, but that you are simply showing them something they are not aware of. It takes chaos to create change. Maybe they will grow from that experience, and maybe they won’t. You can’t take responsibility for that. You can only take responsibility for triggering them, but not for their reaction.

So if the only thing you can govern of is your own experience, why waste time worrying about others’ reaction. You can influence your message in terms of how you say it, and you can create a safe space for the message to be received. You can hope for the outcome to be a positive one. And if that doesn’t happen, it’s ok, because it’s out of your control anyway.

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